A fast-moving farce based around the arrival of a temperamental Hollywood star to Broadway.

Will the cast and director survive the rehearsals?


EXCERPT

ACT I, Scene 1

(Darkened stage. TOM and BRIAN onstage.)

BRIAN
No!

(Spotlight coming slowly up.)

No, no, no, no, and wait, a thought’s just coming to me, no!

TOM
She’s talented.

BRIAN
She’s a toothpaste commercial.

TOM
She’s box office.

BRIAN
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure she’d be perfect for the role of a window display. I’m just worried about the moment when the audience expects something like English to come out of her mouth.

TOM
We can work on her pacing.

BRIAN
You can work on her pacing. I’ll be busy pushing needles into her latest action figure.

TOM
Brian, you’re being unreasonable.

BRIAN
I’m a director. Read the job description. House lights please.

(“House” lights come up.)

TOM
Okay Brian, here it is, no ice, straight up. She’s in it. You’re directing. And I will have thousands of bums on seats for a play that in any other circumstance would end up on a freshman’s optional reading list. She arrives tomorrow. You may want to try a different aftershave.

BRIAN
God, Tom, you really are a world-class asshole.

TOM
I’m a producer. Read the job description.

(Lights down.)